honest to blog.

it's one of the hardest, challenging, yet most rewarding, fulfilling, happiest calling one can take on.

to be honest, motherhood has come really easy for me.
it wasn't a hard transition, i didn't get the baby blues, he was a relatively easy baby, and brooks has just tagged along and we've continued living life as normal as possible.

sure, things are different... schedules to keep, naps to be had, and the unpredictable blowouts, throwups, tantrums, etc. which always keeps things exciting, but for the most part brooks has fit right in and i haven't felt like my life has changed all that much.

don't get me wrong, i've had many moments of frustration, my fair share of second guessing my parenting choices, and tears have been shed.  motherhood is a huge, i mean HUGE responsibility.  i often times feel overwhelmed thinking about brooks growing older in this world that we live in and all of the things that i as his mother need to teach him.  to be honest, it scares me.

the last week or so of motherhood has probably been the hardest yet.  
i made the decision to start weaning brooks from nursing shortly after he turned one.  because i am pregnant and will start that whole process over again in just a few months, i wanted a decent break.  i'm not one of those moms who loves to breast feed.

the first few days, brooks did awesome.  he was able to fall asleep without nursing and i was thinking, "dang, this isn't so bad after all."  i was prepared for the worst  because usually i nurse him to sleep, but he was handling it quite well.  after about two or three days brooks started cutting two teeth and all hell broke lose.  getting him to sleep for naps, bedtime, anything was an absolute joke.  
he doesn't take bottles, binkies, doesn't have a special blankie, or stuffed animal.. nothing along those lines, so he had nothing to comfort or soothe him besides the boob.

we have had the same sleep routine forever, but all of the sudden he was so mad at me because i wouldn't nurse him.  he would try and bite my shoulder or shove my face, and don't even get me started about letting him cry it out.
absolute nightmare.
the kid never gives up, he will cry forever.

it has taken anywhere from 30 - 90 minutes to just get him to fall asleep and then he doesn't sleep well and wakes up at 5 or 6 am.  he hasn't been his normal self and whining has come in full force.

i found myself overly tired, overly frustrated, and quite frankly pissed. one day in particular i had had it and i screamed and told brooks to stop crying rather loudly.
obviously, that was a dumb thing to do because it scared him and made him cry harder, and immediately i felt so guilty and so mad at myself.

i started crying, and i did not stop for three hours.  seriously, it was bad.  i'm gonna chalk the length of it up to hormones and being pregnant haha but i'm fairly certain matt thought i was insane.

luckily, i have matt.  he was able to take over and give me a break.  he ended up taking brooks on a drive to get him to sleep for the night, while i just sat on the couch in a ball and sobbed.

after talking and expressing my frustrations with brooks and myself, matt helped me realize something so important.  maybe the most important thing i've learned through being a mother.

matt helped me realize and see that tomorrow is another day. a chance to start over, be better, try harder.

brooks is little and he doesn't understand.  he doesn't understand why i am frustrated, he doesn't understand what he is doing wrong.  he's constantly learning each day but he's still a baby himself.
he is also very loving, and very forgiving.

you better believe the next morning when he woke up he stood at his crib and smiled so big as we got him out of bed.  you better believe that he laid his little head on my shoulder and gave me lovies.
babies are some of the most forgiving and loving humans.

i'm not perfect, i don't know all the answers, but brooks trusts me to take care of him and love him and provide for him.

this whole hellish experience we are going through has helped me realize that if one day sucks so bad, i can try again the next day, and the next, and the next.  i am constantly learning and trying to do better and eventually it always gets better.

so, if you are having one of those days.  the ones where you feel like you are failing at motherhood, or you could drop kick your child (only joking, don't do that), just rememeber


and you can get through it.


Alexa Zurcher said...

oh girl, i feel for you! we stopped a few weeks ago and it was something terrible. i was so grumpy, so irritable, and so mad/sad/everything! plus, engorgement. enough said. you're doing good mama! as soon as it's over, you'll forget (mostly) about it. ;) hang in there!

Ashley Wright said...

I have had so many of these days! And hello, pregnancy hormones are NO JOKE! You're doing a great job!

Mike, Adi & Drew said...

Amy! I'm sorry ;) poor little guy and poor mama! Thank goodness for husbands! Most of the time they don't get us when we are all hormonal and crazy but they can be more objective and see the light when we can't. You are doing great and honestly, now I'm dreading weaning Jillian! The other 2 I only nursed for 3 months, til I went back to work, but she's going strong! Can't wait to see y'all in just a month!!

Whitney B. said...

Motherhood is really tough, but like you I have transitioned well! We have a 2 week overdue baby who is 4 months now and he is the easiest baby. Except for others, haha. He loves his momma and apparently when I am gone he has a really hard time being happy! Ugh, I had a day similar to yours, I'm an exclusive pumper, anyways I wrote about it: http://southernhope1229.blogspot.com/2014/06/achy-heart.html